Escape to Paradise: Your Dreamy Boltenhagen Beachfront Apartment Awaits!
Hotel Review: Okay, Let's Get Real Here… (And Probably Need a Drink Later)
Okay, buckle up buttercups, because I just survived a stay at [Hotel Name - you’ll need to fill this in!] and let me tell you, it was… an experience. Not always the good kind, but hey, at least I have a story (and a serious need for a stiff cocktail).
Accessibility: Kinda? Maybe? Ugh.
Alright, let's rip the band-aid off first. Wheelchair accessible? The hotel claims it is. And I saw some ramps. But navigating those narrow hallways felt like dodging landmines. One time, I saw a poor soul struggling to open a heavy door. Like, come ON, people! Facilities for disabled guests are listed, which raises my hopes, but I wasn’t exactly testing that out. The elevator worked, thank goodness.
On-site accessible restaurants / lounges? I didn't see any specifically designated accessible areas, which is a major ding. It felt like they kinda met the bare minimum and called it a day. And that makes me grind my teeth.
Internet Access: The Great Wi-Fi Debacle
Okay, here’s where things got really interesting (and by interesting, I mean frustrating). Claiming Free Wi-Fi in all rooms! makes it sound like a digital utopia, right? WRONG.
First off, my Internet access – wireless didn't work in my room. Like, at all. After a solid hour of fiddling and swearing, I finally trekked down to the front desk. The poor, perpetually frazzled attendant just blinked and said, "Try restarting your device." Sigh. Eventually, I got it working, but it was slower than a snail on a molasses highway. I mean, I could practically feel the dial-up days coming back to haunt me. Internet [LAN] I didn't try but that sounds like my grandad's internet, so maybe I missed out on something. Good for the old-schoolers I guess. At least I had my Internet and Internet services.
Things to Do: Spa Day to Regret
Let's dive into the heart of the relaxation promised! Spa, Spa/sauna, Steamroom, Sauna, Massage, I'm in, right? Sounded AMAZING. Reality? Less so.
Body scrub and Body wrap, well, let's just say the scrub felt like someone was sanding down my skin with gravel. And the wrap? I'm convinced they just used old, slightly damp sheets. The Pool with view, looked gorgeous, I'll give them that. Swimming pool [outdoor], fine. Swimming pool, it was alright.
Fitness center and Gym/fitness, I didn't even attempt. The thought of getting on a treadmill after the spa experience… No, just no. It made me shudder. And the thing is, the spa was so busy, because there was Couple's room for a loved ones and I was alone, I could feel the disappointment.
Cleanliness and Safety: Germophobia Approved (Mostly)
Okay, huge props here. Cleanliness and safety seems to be a priority, and I appreciate it. They did the right things. I was grateful for the Hand sanitizer everywhere, and that's the minimum. There was also Daily disinfection in common areas, Anti-viral cleaning products, and the staff seemed genuinely dedicated to hygiene. That said, Rooms sanitized between stays is another claim, and I had a few doubts, It made me feel safer, for sure.
Dining, Drinking, and Snacking: The Culinary Minefield
This section is where my blood pressure really started to rise. Let’s start with breakfast. Breakfast [Buffet] in restaurant, I didn't eat it, though I saw the other guests chowing down. Breakfast takeaway service, hmm, I could have used that. Breakfast service, yeah. Nothing wrong with that. Asian breakfast, a total no-show.
My attempts to dine were… challenging. I'm still wondering if they even HAVE a chef! I had a A la carte in restaurant dish that arrived looking like something my cat coughed up. The Soup in restaurant was a watery, flavorless broth that barely saw a vegetable. At least they had Coffee/tea in restaurant.
The Poolside bar, looked enticing, but the drinks took forever and tasted like disappointment. Thank goodness for the Snack bar, that wasn't as bad as the restaurant.
Services and Conveniences: The Little Things (That Sometimes Matter Big Time)
Okay, let’s talk about the things that make or break a hotel stay. Air conditioning in public area, yes! Cash withdrawal seemed to work. Concierge was helpful, but I suspected they were also overwhelmed. Contactless check-in/out, that was nice. Daily housekeeping, I needed that and Laundry service was a lifesaver. I also used Ironing service. The Elevator was in working condition.
For the Kids: Can't Say I Know
I didn't see the Kids meal or Babysitting service, or really anything for kids.
Available in All Rooms: The Nitty Gritty
Okay, let's talk about what was actually in the room – finally! Air conditioning, thank heavens. Alarm clock, Bathrobes, Closet, Coffee/tea maker, Free bottled water, Hair dryer, In-room safe box, Ironing facilities, Laptop workspace, Mini bar, Private bathroom. Shower, Slippers, Sofa, Telephone, Toiletries, Towels, Wake-up service, and Wi-Fi [free] (eventually). All good stuff and a basic expectation, really.
The Verdict: Three Stars, Maybe, And a Very Strong Drink
Look, this hotel isn't terrible. But it's far from great. It’s a mixed bag of highs and lows, with a heavy dose of "meh" thrown in.
Overall: 3 stars (generously). I survived. I lived to tell the tale. And I'll be needing that stiff drink now.
Escape to Paradise: Stunning Lichtenhain Apartment w/ Private Pond!
Alright, buckle up, buttercups, because this isn't your grandma's meticulously planned travel itinerary. This is going to be a glorious, chaotic, possibly slightly embarrassing account of my "relaxing" trip to that ridiculously long-named place – Ostseebad Boltenhagen, Germany, specifically, a "spacious apartment by the sea." And by "spacious," I'm praying it means I won't trip over my own luggage.
Day 1: Arrival and the Great Luggage Flail
- 14:00 - 16:00: The Travel From Hell (aka The Trains)
- Okay, so the Deutsche Bahn. Let's just say it's an experience. I swear one train announcement was entirely in a language I’m fairly certain doesn't exist. Felt a bit like Alice down the rabbit hole of public transport. Got lost three times, almost missed my connection in Hamburg (thanks, delayed train!), and swore off pretzels for life after the vending machine attempted to steal my money. Finally, finally, arrived in Boltenhagen. Pure relief.
- Opinion: German trains are an exercise in controlled chaos. Be prepared for the unexpected. Bring snacks. And a phrasebook.
- 17:00 - 18:00: The Apartment - Let the Fun Begin!
- Found the apartment. (Yay! No small feat, believe me.) And… well, it is spacious. Like, could-fit-a-small-army spacious. It even had a balcony overlooking the sea. Cue the dramatic inhale: Beautiful view! Oh, but the unpacking? A logistical nightmare. My suitcase exploded. I spent a good hour wrestling with a tangled pile of clothes, realizing I overpacked and regretting the sparkly sequin top I knew I wouldn't wear.
- Anecdote: I was so flustered I nearly put my toothbrush in the fridge. True story.
- 18:00 - 20:00: Dinner and the Almost-Eaten Sausage Scare
- Okay, so, I’m not a huge sausage person. But hey, I’m in Germany! I'm supposed to eat sausage, right? Found a cute little place near the beach. Ordered the most authentically German thing on the menu - a sausage and potato salad. Took a bite, and… oh dear lord. Way too much mustard. I almost choked, eyes watering and doing the silent scream, and somehow managed to keep my composure enough because I didn't want to be "the foreigner". I did, however, realize that I was very, very hungry.
- Quirky observation: The seagulls here are sassy. They judge you for your sausage choices. And your sunglasses.
- 20:00 - Onwards: Balcony Bliss (or maybe just wind?)
- Sat on the balcony. Sea. Breeze. Absolute perfection. Except for the fact that a vicious wind threatened to blow me, and my chair, into the ocean. I had to move my feet and legs up from the ground and was so afraid of being blown away. Had a glass of wine (big glass, needed it). Soaking it all in. This is what I came for. Or at least it will be, after a good night's sleep and a much better sausage experience.
Day 2: Beach Day and an Existential Crisis with Seagulls
- 09:00 - 10:00: Breakfast and the Battle of the Bakery
- Found a lovely bakery down the road. (Thank goodness, because I needed something to make up for the sausage disaster of '23). The pretzel was perfect. The coffee, strong. Everything was going well until I got stuck behind a family buying enough bread to feed the entire Wehrmacht. Patience is a virtue, blah blah blah. I won, though. The bread looked amazing.
- Imperfection: I spilled coffee on my favorite shirt. Again.
- 10:00 - 13:00: Beach Time! (And the Sunburn of Doom)
- Beach time! This is why I came; why I booked that goddamn apartment across the sea. The sand was fine, the sea was sparkling, and the sun… well, the sun was a liar. I thought I put on enough sunscreen. I thought. By midday, I was turning a delightful shade of lobster. I probably looked like a walking, talking tomato, but was too happy to care.
- Rant: How is it possible to still underestimate the sun? I'm always and forever doomed. I'm a walking, talking lobster.
- 13:00 - 14:00: The Seagull Incident (or, How I Lost My Sandwich)
- Okay, so I am sitting there happy and trying to eat my sandwich when the seagulls are at it. One of them gets too close. It lunged to grab my sandwich. I ducked, it missed, but the sandwich ended up in the sand. I stared at the seagulls, they stared at me. We had a moment. Then, I took a big bite off of the sandwich I had left.
- Emotional reaction: I was a little grumpy. But mostly, I found the whole thing hilarious. It was some kind of performance art only the seagulls would’ve gotten anyway.
- 14:00 - 16:00: Naptime and Existential Dread
- Went back up to the apartment, out of the sun. Took a nap, woke up. I went to the balcony and sat and stared at the sea. Felt a bit… lost. You know, the classic "what am I doing with my life?" kind of wondering. Surrounded by beauty, and yet… I don't know. I'm supposed to be calm and relaxed. I'm not very good at relaxing.
- Messier structure: Is this trip supposed to be relaxing? Am I relaxing? Why can't I be like those people on the beach who are just… content?
- 18:00 - Onwards: Dinner. (Another sausage, anyone?) I got the sausage. I ate it. Not as scary as the first day. I finished the bottle of wine. And I went to sleep.
Day 3: Exploring the local delights.
- 10:00 - 12:00: The Boltenhagen Pier - Where the Tourists Roam
- The pier. It's long! Filled with tourist shops selling things I absolutely don't need, but definitely wanted to buy. I ended up purchasing a ridiculous seagull-shaped wind chime. What have I become? But hey, it's a souvenir, right?
- 13:00 - 15:00: The Perfect Meal.
- I found the perfect restaurant. All the food there was perfect but the fresh fish… pure bliss.
- 16:00 - 18:00: The Wind and the Waves - A Beach Walk and My Thoughts
- Walked along the beach. The wind was whipping. That wind is something else. But the waves – the waves were beautiful. I walked, did some thinking, laughed at the ocean. I’m beginning to appreciate the messiness of it all.
- 18:00 - Onwards: The Movie Night and Reflection
- Found some movies in german. Tried to watch them. Couldn't understand anything. Watched them anyway.
- Reflected on my trip. I'm still a mess. But maybe that's okay.
Day 4: Departure – Farewell to the Baltic (and the seagulls!)
- 09:00 - 10:00: Last Look
- Woke up. Looked at the ocean one last time.
- 10:00 - 11:00: The Packing, Again…
- Packed. The suitcase now weighed a ton. I had accumulated more stuff.
- 11:00 - 13:00: Departure
- Departure. The train journey. The German transport. Wish me luck.
Opinion: This trip wasn't perfect. It was full of delays, sunburnt skin, and existential crises. But it was mine. And somewhere in the chaos, I think I managed to relax. Kinda. Maybe. See you next time, Boltenhagen! And don't worry, I'll leave the seagulls in peace. (Unless they start eyeing my sandwich again.)
Escape to Paradise: Stunning Sea-View Home in Okrug Gornji, Croatia!
Wait, what *is* this exactly? Like, what am I even looking at?
What's the deal with all the… stuff? You seem to have a lot of… opinions.
Okay, fine. So, what's the *one* thing you're obsessed with? Like, the absolute, no-holds-barred, desert-island-must-have thing?
What keeps you up at night? The truly terrifying stuff...
What's something you *really* regret? Spill the tea!
What's something you're *really* proud of? A good, warm, fuzzy feeling kind of thing.
You ever feel… overwhelmed? Like, completely and utterly crushed by everything?
