Escape to Paradise: Adults-Only Luxury in Mallorca's Hidden Gem
Escape to Paradise: Mallorca's Secret Getaway…Or Did I Just Get Lost in a Hammock? (A Messy Review)
Oh, Mallorca. The very name conjures up images of turquoise waters, sun-drenched beaches, and…well, a lot of people. So, when I stumbled upon "Escape to Paradise" – an adults-only luxury retreat tucked away in some “hidden gem” part of the island – I figured it was worth a shot. Especially since, you know, the website promised a “haven of tranquility.” Tranquility, like a unicorn, can be hard to find, you know? Let's see if they actually managed to build the damn thing.
Metadata (because I apparently need to be SEO-friendly now): Escape to Paradise Mallorca Review, Adults-Only Hotel, Luxury Mallorca, Accessible Hotel Mallorca, Spa Retreat Mallorca, Hotel Review, WiFi, Pool with a View, Safe Travel Mallorca, Wellness Retreat, Mallorca Honeymoon, Romantic Getaway, Accessibility Mallorca, Wheelchair Accessible Hotel.
First Impressions (and a minor panic attack):
Driving up, it did look promising. Winding roads, olive groves shimmering in the sun… it felt like I was heading into a secret lair. (Maybe a lair of relaxation? Fingers crossed.) The check-in process was thankfully streamlined – Contactless Check-in/out is a godsend in our current world, and I appreciated the speed. But then I had to deal with the paperwork, which was… less streamlined and more like a slow-motion slog. (The desk agents were lovely, bless them, but sometimes I just want to hand over my passport and collapse.) The Doorman was definitely on point though – a very suave chap, indeed. I was immediately offered a welcome drink which put my mind at ease. I was definitely going to enjoy myself.
Accessibility – The Real Test:
Okay, so here's the thing. I, thankfully, don't need wheelchair access. BUT, I’m a stickler for inclusive design. And this is where “Escape to Paradise” gets… mixed reviews. Facilities for disabled guests are mentioned, and the website says it is accessible. Wheelchair Accessible rooms are listed – good! The Elevator is a MUST, praise be! However, the details within that felt a little… vague. I did spot CCTV in common areas, which is reassuring from a safety perspective, but it's more just a general security element, not necessarily accessibility-related. Look, I'd love to know more on how well this really works out in practice. More transparency would be really great.
The Room – My Little Sanctuary (and a minor rant about throw pillows):
My room? Stunning. Seriously. The Air Conditioning actually worked (a HUGE win in Mallorca!), the Blackout Curtains – essential for a good lie-in after a cocktail or two – were divine, and the Bed was like sinking into a cloud. The Extra-long bed was perfect for sprawling out. The Bathroom, complete with Bathtub, Separate shower/bathtub, and high-quality toiletries was also a winner. And that View? Wow! The Window that opens was a lovely touch. My in-room features also included: Additional toilet, Alarm clock, Air conditioning, Bathrobes, Bathroom phone, Carpeting, Closet, Coffee/tea maker, Complimentary tea, Daily housekeeping, Desk, Free bottled water, Hair dryer, High floor, In-room safe box, Interconnecting room(s) available, Internet access – LAN, Internet access – wireless, Ironing facilities, Laptop workspace, Linens, Mini bar, Mirror, Non-smoking, On-demand movies, Private bathroom, Reading light, Refrigerator, Safety/security feature, Satellite/cable channels, Scale, Seating area, Shower, Slippers, Smoke detector, Socket near the bed, Sofa, Soundproofing, Telephone, Toiletries, Towels, Umbrella, Visual alarm, Wake-up service, Wi-Fi [free]. Phew!
But… and there’s always a “but,” right? The throw pillows. Oh, the throw pillows. Fluffy, decorative, and utterly pointless. WHY, HOTEL DESIGNERS, WHY?! They're the nemesis of a good night's sleep! Luckily, they were easily jettisoned to the corner of the room. Problem solved.
Internet – Praying to the WiFi Gods:
Okay, so Free Wi-Fi in all rooms! YES! And, for the most part, it was reliable. There was also Internet [LAN] available, for those who are old-school (or need a super-secure connection). I did need it for my business calls - Internet, Internet services - which worked flawlessly. Wi-Fi in public areas was also solid. I'm not sure I'd want to host a Wi-Fi for special events because, frankly, it's more pressure than it's worth, but it was at least available.
Things to Do, Ways to Relax – Spa-tacular or a Spa-fical?
This is where "Escape to Paradise" really shines. The Spa is… well, it's paradise. Seriously. The Pool with view is worth the price of admission alone. (And yes, I spent a considerable amount of time floating and staring at the sky.) There's a Gym/fitness center (although I'll be honest, I mostly stuck to the Sauna, Spa/sauna, and Steamroom). My Massage was heavenly – the therapist actually listened when I said I had a knot in my shoulder. The Body scrub and Body wrap? Pure indulgence. They even had a Foot bath. Just… wow.
I’d highly encourage that you try the Swimming pool, which has a great view. It's a beautiful place to chill out!
Dining, Drinking, and Snacking – Fueling the Relaxation:
The food was… good. Very good. The Breakfast [buffet] was extensive, though I wish they'd had more options for someone interested in something a little different. I had a hard time getting out of my western style. I think I wanted an Asian Breakfast every day, but I did not want to ask. There was a Vegetarian restaurant (thank goodness!) and a ton of International cuisine in restaurant, which you'd expect.
The Poolside bar was a lifesaver (think cocktails, sunshine, repeat). The A la carte in restaurant service was excellent, and the Room service [24-hour]? Genius! Especially when you're wearing nothing but a bathrobe and the sun has fried your brain. My Coffee/tea in restaurant was always top-notch and my Bottle of water was provided every single day, which helps. They also have a Snack bar for when you'd like to graze!
The food prep was really great even in the current climate: Alternative meal arrangement, Asian cuisine in restaurant, Bar, Coffee shop, Desserts in restaurant, Happy hour, Poolside bar, Restaurants, Salad in restaurant, Soup in restaurant, Western cuisine in restaurant
Cleanliness and Safety – Peace of Mind (with a hint of OCD):
Right, this is where things get serious. Post-pandemic, cleanliness is everything. "Escape to Paradise" gets a solid A+ here. They really went all-in with the precautions. The Anti-viral cleaning products were noticeable (in a good way!), and Daily disinfection in common areas was reassuring. There was Hand sanitizer everywhere, and the staff seemed genuinely committed to following the new rules. Rooms sanitized between stays? Check. Safe dining setup, kitchen and tableware items sanitized? Yep. Staff trained in safety protocol? Absolutely. Physical distancing of at least 1 meter? Mostly adhered to (though, let's be honest, sometimes it's hard!). I felt safe. I felt clean. I felt… like I could actually relax.
A LOT of things were in place here and I felt like there was an awful lot of security going on here: Cashless payment service, Doctor/nurse on call, First aid kit, Hot water linen and laundry washing, Hygiene certification, Individually-wrapped food options, Professional-grade sanitizing services, Room sanitization opt-out available, Safe dining setup, Sanitized kitchen and tableware items, Shared stationery removed, Staff trained in safety protocol, Sterilizing equipment.
Services and Conveniences – The Little Things That Matter:
They have everything you can imagine: Air conditioning in public area, Audio-visual equipment for special events, Business facilities, Cash withdrawal, Concierge, Contactless check-in/out, Convenience store, Currency exchange, Daily housekeeping, Doorman, Dry cleaning, Elevator, Essential condiments, Facilities for disabled guests, Food delivery, Gift/souvenir shop, Indoor venue for special events, Invoice provided, Ironing service, Laundry service, Luggage storage, Meeting/banquet facilities, Meetings, Meeting stationery, On-site event hosting, Outdoor venue for special events, Projector/LED display, Safety deposit boxes, Seminars, Shrine, Smoking area, Terrace, Wi-Fi for special events, Xerox/fax in business center. I did not get to take advantage of many of these, however
Escape to Bliss: Your Dream Forest Getaway in Bligny-sur-Ouche, France
Alright, buckle up buttercups, because we're about to get real about Ses Planes – Adults Only, that supposedly idyllic little slice of heaven in Majorca. Forget those pristine, perfectly-filtered Instagram posts. This is my truth, and it's got more bumps than the road to Palma airport.
The Pre-Trip Panic (aka, "Did I pack the right bikini? And, oh god, my passport!")
So, the build-up? Absolute chaos. Remember that feeling before your first school trip? Amplify that by a thousand. The emails from ca Na Faustina with their promises of "tranquility" and "unspoiled beauty"? Fuel for the fire of my anxiety. I spent the week before frantically Googling "Majorcan mosquitos" (apparently, they're ruthless) and "lost luggage insurance" (just in case my prized linen shirt went AWOL). Packing? A strategic masterpiece of indecision. Did I need that leopard-print sarong and the vintage Hermès scarf? The answer, of course, was both. Because, you know, "just in case."
The journey itself was a blur of cramped seats, screaming toddlers (not my kids, thank the heavens!), and the desperate need for a decent cup of coffee. Finally, after a flight that felt like a low-altitude torture test, we landed. Majorca! And the first thing I saw was… a McDonald's. Classic.
Arrival & First Impressions: "Is this Heaven? Or Just Really Good Air Conditioning?"
The drive to Ses Planes was… well, it was bumpy. Literally. The roads are what you'd politely call "characterful." My husband, bless his heart, drove with the calm of a seasoned rally driver, while I gripped the car door and prayed for my digestive system's survival.
Then, we arrived. Ca Na Faustina. And whoa. Okay, I’ll admit it, the place is gorgeous. Stone walls, bougainvillea spilling everywhere, a pool that actually looks inviting… the pictures didn't lie. My initial reaction? Pure, unadulterated relief. This was a win. This was respite. I wanted to dive straight into that pool.
Our room, "The Lavender Room," was… fine. Lovely even. But the "charming rustic aesthetic" came with a hefty price tag. Like, if you dropped your phone between the uneven stone floorboards, you’d probably never see it again. And the air conditioning? Thankfully, it was a godsend. More than a godsend. It was the reason I stayed sane for the whole trip.
The "Relaxing" Begins: More Like "Trying to Relax While Fighting Off Anxiety"
The first day was a blur of pool time (amazing, seriously, gorgeous), reading (until the mosquitos attacked), and attempting to master the art of doing absolutely nothing. Which, as it turns out, is harder than it sounds. My brain, accustomed to a never-ending to-do list, kept trying to invent chores. "You should, like, alphabetize the pool towels!" "Maybe you should plan the entire next day's activities!" That kind of thing.
Also, the "adults-only" thing? Fantastic. Until the phantom cries of toddlers started echoing in my head. I had to keep reminding myself that children were not around. That helped. Sometimes.
The Food, Ah, The Food! (And the One Really Bad Meal)
Okay, the food in Majorca? Divine. We ate everything. Paella, tapas, fresh seafood – my stomach was in gourmet nirvana. The local restaurants near Ses Planes? Rustic, charming, and serving food that made me weep with joy. We stumbled upon this tiny place, tucked away in a little village. The owner, this tiny, wizened woman, spoke no English, but the flavours coming from her kitchen sang. Best meal of the holiday.
Then there’s the one bad meal. I won’t name names. Let’s just say it involved a "Michelin-recommended" restaurant, a menu that was so pretentious it was practically invisible, and a dish that looked like it had been assembled by a toddler. I sent it back, mortified. The waiter looked at me as if I had personally insulted his grandmother. Sigh.
The Pool: My Spiritual Home (and Where I Lost My Sunglasses)
The pool. Oh, the pool. It became my sanctuary. I spent hours just floating, staring up at the sky, letting the sun bake away all my stresses. I even managed to finish a novel, a feat of concentration previously unheard of. The pool was the perfect temperature, the water gloriously clean. Then, I lost my favourite sunglasses – a vintage pair I'd inherited from my grandmother – in the deep end. I did not cry. Much. I just pretended to be serene, while secretly plotting a meticulous underwater search. The search was not successful. RIP, stylish sun protection.
The Road Trip: Winding Roads, Magnificent Views, and Near-Disaster
One day, we rented a car and decided to explore. Big mistake…sort of. We drove the windy, dramatic route to Sa Calobra, a place famous for its stunning coastal views. The drive itself was nerve-wracking. The hairpin turns were so tight my knuckles were white. But the views? Breathtaking. Truly. My jaw dropped.
Then, near the end of the day, as if the driving gods needed to teach me a lesson, the car’s tire blew. On a mountain road. In the gathering gloom. My husband, ever the optimist, declared it an "adventure." I, on the other hand, was ready to spontaneously combust. The whole experience was capped off by a tow truck that took three hours to arrive and smelled like stale cigarettes. I almost started to cry. But the scenery was worth it; even if it tested my patience for days.
The People: A Mixed Bag of Charm and… well, Let's Call it "Directness"
The Majorcans? A mixed bag. Some were delightfully friendly, happy to chat and offer advice. Others were… less so. I encountered a shopkeeper who looked at me like I'd personally insulted their family, and a waiter who clearly preferred the company of the cat sleeping under his table. But the good ones more than made up for it. Especially the old woman in the market whose smile could light up a room.
The Verdict: Worth It? Absolutely. But bring earplugs and a good sense of humour.
Would I go back to Ses Planes – Adults Only? Yes, absolutely. Despite the bumpy roads, the occasional mosquito attack, and the near-disastrous car situation. It’s the most beautiful place. Would I recommend it? Yes, but with a hefty dose of realism. It’s idyllic, yes, but not perfect. It’s relaxing, yes, but you have to work at it. And you absolutely must bring a good sense of humour. Because trust me, you're going to need it. And the earplugs. Trust me on the earplugs. You'll thank me later. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to google "mosquito repellent that actually works."
Escape to Paradise: Luxurious Chalet Awaits in Biesbosch, Dordrecht!
Okay, so "Escape to Paradise"... is it actually Paradise? Like, REAL Paradise?
Alright, listen, "Paradise" is a loaded word, right? Depends on your definition. Did I find a deserted island filled with singing dolphins and unlimited mango smoothies? Nope. Did I find a place where the sheer beauty of Mallorca, the impeccable service, and the sheer *peace* almost made me weep with happiness? Yeah, pretty much. There were moments, sitting on my balcony overlooking the turquoise water, breathing in that Mediterranean air, where I genuinely felt like I'd stumbled into a dream. And trust me, I’m not a ‘dreamy’ person, usually.
But let's be real: Paradise is about the *experience*, not just the scenery. One afternoon, I tried to order a second Aperol Spritz by the pool, and it took slightly longer than I expected (maybe 5 minutes, tops). And I'm not proud to admit it, but for a second, a tiny, unreasonable voice in my head was like, "This isn't perfect! This isn't THE Paradise!"...Then I took a deep breath, gazed out and realized, I was in Mallorca...with an Aperol Spritz in hand! So yeah, maybe it's not *perfect* perfect, but it's damn close.
Adults-Only... is that a massive selling point or just a marketing ploy? Because, let's be frank, sometimes "adults-only" screams "beige and boring," doesn't it?
Oh, honey, BLESS YOU for asking! I went in with the same skepticism. I’m not a prude, but I also *hate* screaming toddlers at breakfast. The adults-only thing? It's absolutely a massive, glorious, sanity-saving selling point. The atmosphere is... calm. Peaceful. You can actually hear yourself think, which is a rare and precious commodity these days.
But it's *not* boring. Far from it! There was a lovely couple from Germany sipping cocktails by the edge of the pool during sunset, and they were laughing and sharing stories to each other. This is the real vibe here. You can actually relax! So, if you secretly dream of a stress-free vacation, a place where the biggest drama is choosing between the spa and the beach, then you're in for a treat. It's not beige; it's sophisticated and relaxed. And trust me, after a week of serene bliss, returning back to the "real world" with all its responsibilities...is hard.
Mallorca's Hidden Gem... What do you mean by "hidden"? Is it hard to get to? Is it, like, in a jungle? Do I need a machete?
Okay, "hidden" is more of a marketing thing, but it's also kind of true. It's not like you're hacking your way through the Amazon. Mallorca is easily explored. The "hidden" part refers to the fact that the resort is tucked away, not on the main tourist drag. Think winding roads, olive groves, little villages with cobblestone streets.
Getting there? Pretty straightforward. Fly into Palma (PMI) airport, and then it's a taxi or a rental car. The roads are good, the scenery is stunning. I highly recommend a rental car; even if it's just for a day trip. One day... I decided to explore one of the closer villages. I got hopelessly lost...twice. It was a combination of the poor map reading skills, and my own stubbornness! Eventually, I found my way back, but I had the best lunch with a local family at the end! The escape itself? Not a jungle. Just... wonderfully, purposefully remote.
The Food... is it just fancy, tiny portions or can I actually, you know, *eat*? Because I love eating. A lot.
Alright, this is a BIG one, because I, too, am a *big* eater. I'm not talking 'tiny portions' here. The portions are right-sized, the focus is about quality over quantity. The food? Divine. Fresh, local ingredients, expertly prepared. I had a seafood paella that was genuinely one of the best things I've ever eaten. I'm still dreaming about it. Then I ordered the steak one night. Medium-rare, perfect, and the potatoes! Oh, the potatoes! Fluffy inside, crispy outside, seasoned to perfection.
The buffet breakfast was insane. Literally everything you could possibly want, from fresh fruit and pastries to eggs cooked to order. I overate every single day. I regret nothing. Okay, maybe I regret feeling a little bit like a beached whale by the end of the trip, but the food? Worth every single bite. And honestly, as I am writing this, I am hungry. The experience was really great!
Okay, give me a little bit of gossip. Were there any interesting people there? Any dramas? You know... the good stuff.
Hah! Alright, alright, here's the tea. Surprisingly, no major life-altering dramas. Not that I saw, anyway. Mostly just low-key, blissful relaxation. I did overhear a couple from London bickering about the "correct" way to sunbathe (apparently, there is one). That was entertaining. Saw a woman from New York get a little *too* friendly with the bartender and may have spilled a cocktail or two (not judging; I felt a bit sorry for her).
Honestly though... it's a place where people are just trying to relax and have a good time. Any "drama" was incredibly minor. The real drama, on my end, was trying to decide whether to order the chocolate cake or the lemon tart for dessert every night. Life-altering decisions, people! Life-altering! I went with the chocolate cake... it won't be my last.
The Spa... Worth it? Because spas can be hit or miss.
Yes! The spa is absolutely worth it! I went twice. The first time, I got a massage and nearly fell asleep on the table. The second time, I went for a facial and literally *did* fall asleep. It was glorious. The facilities are beautiful, the therapists are skilled, and the whole experience is designed to melt your stress away. I walked out floating on a cloud.
Look, I'm not usually a spa person. I find it all a bit precious, the whole "essential oils and whispering" thing. But this was different. It was pure, unadulterated bliss. The massage was so good I felt like I could fly. The only downside? Having to get dressed and leave. Oh, and the price. The prices are a bit steep, so be prepared. But, hey, you're on vacation, right? Treat yourself. You deserve it. And go for the massage! You won't regret it.
Did you do anything besides, you know... existing in luxury? Any excursions? Exploring?
I'm ashamed to admit it, but I spent a *lot* of time just existing in luxury. The pool was calling my name. But I did manage to drag myself away a few times. I highly recommend exploring the local towns. The architecture is stunning, the shops are adorable, and the food... well, you already know about the food. Wander Stay Spot
